


Coping mechanism

by luna_dd



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: 9k words of Pidge with eating disorder, Angst, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Gen, Hunk means well but he doesn't know how to handle the situation, It does not have a happy ending, Purging, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Vomiting, for most of the time, i use they/them for a short while only, i'm all pro recovery but this thing is not, more triggers, trigger warning, trigger warning: ed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 21:02:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16605395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luna_dd/pseuds/luna_dd
Summary: She never cared about diets and body image issues. She knew all girls her age wanted to look the certain way to be considered attractive and some were ready to use all means necessary. But Katie… Katie liked her body, she was short and small to begin with and honestly she couldn't care less if she was attractive to guys. Her body was hers to live in, not to attract males.And for her, if it wasn't about that then it meant that her new eating habits were not a problem.





	Coping mechanism

**Author's Note:**

> Real talk:  
>  **eating disorder trigger warning**  
>  Please do not read if you think you might be triggered  
> Please do not read if you know it will trigger you  
> Tackles food avoidance, fasting, purging, calories and body image
> 
> author's note:  
> for a few reasons i struggled a lot writing it. it was hard and took me months of running same parts over and over in my head to make sure i am not just making things up.  
> I know that i could do better potraying other characters but they are not important ones here  
> english isn't my native language

She skipped her first meal when dad and Matt went for the Kerberos mission.

She just didn't feel like eating dinner when they were gone. They had that family tradition that no matter what in the evening they would always sit together, enjoy the food and talk about everything that have happened during the day. When Matt got accepted into Garrison he always made sure to get home Friday night for dinner and leave Sunday after dinner. But they could still have family dinner with just three of them on the weekdays.

But suddenly Katie and Colleen were left alone and family dinner for just two people seemed… sad.

So she skipped it, not wanting to be reminded by the empty chairs that Matt and dad left behind. And she started doing it more often as she realised that they are still gone, day after day.

Soon she realised, that if she skipped dinner, in the morning her stomach felt weird and if she ate something she would feel sick. So she skipped breakfast too. It was nothing, really, she just didn't want to feel nauseous.

 

She fasted for the first time when Garrison declared Kerberos mission failed due to pilot’s error.

She locked herself in her room and refused to leave for two days mourning the loss of her family members.

On the third day when she finally left her room she felt awful. She and her mum cuddled on the couch for hours. How could she's been so selfish to lock herself up without taking care of her mum? The only person she had left?

It suddenly hit her like a bag of bricks that she was not the only one hurting and that she didn't have a monopoly to be devastated.

That night she sat by the table with Colleen, just two of them, trying to enjoy her mum's casserole and pretending that her smile is not the saddest thing. 

But the food made her feel sick, so after helping mum with the dishes she went to the bathroom and purged everything. The casserole was just too heavy.

 

She never cared about diets and body image issues. She knew all girls her age wanted to look the certain way to be considered attractive and some were ready to use all means necessary. But Katie… Katie liked her body, she was short and small to begin with and honestly she couldn't care less if she was attractive to guys. Her body was hers to live in, not to attract males.

And for her, if it wasn't about that then it meant that her new eating habits were not a problem.

She wasn't trying to lose weight. She just… changed her patterns, that's all. 

She would skip breakfast because of stomach aches; she would skip lunch because she wasn't hungry, she would snack on a few grapes and feel full; she would eat dinner with her mum and purge it because it made her feel bad. But it wasn’t a problem..

Somehow in this new routine she found out that it was easier for her not to remember about her loss. She discovered that if she physically felt empty, an emotional emptiness wouldn't hurt this much.

It was just… easier that way.

 

Once her mum went back to work it was even more easy because Katie could now lie her way through meals. She tried not to overuse it but sometimes she would lie out of eating dinner because she “ate a huge lunch”.

She liked fasting days. They made her feel like she was in control.

She didn't have binge urges. She read an article on anorexics that they would sometimes get crazy urges to eat everything and they would eat up to over thousands calories in one sitting, that was their bodies reaction to try and compensate for the malnutrition, get needed energy their bodies have been deprived of. She didn't have those. She was fine. 

Her hand just slipped while she surfed the internet.

 

She realised she might have some kind of food problem months later.

Colleen had been in delegation for an entire week. Finally getting back to her job, having to support herself and her daughter, now wanting to rely on damage money from Garrison after they refused to give any explanation about what had happened with her husband and son. She didn’t want to leave, even for a few days; leaving Katie alone so soon felt wrong but she had to think about their financial situation too. So a few days before her departure she spend extra time in the evenings to prepare meals for Katie to just pop into the microwave or the oven and enjoy. She left her only daughter with a warm hug and kiss on the forehead.

One evening Katie found herself flushing the food down the toilet. It didn't make any sense. But Colleen's been gone for five days now and she has been fasting for these five days and it just felt good. But the food was there, in the fridge, tempting and threatening that she would break. And she had to be stronger.

She took out all containers to the bathroom and opened them one by one, dumping contents into the bowl. Flushing out the possibility of giving in to the hunger. Opening the last one she caught a smell of pea curry sauce and her knees buckled. She feel on the floor with tears prying in her eyes, it was Matt's favourite. She brought the container closer to her face, she wanted to get high on the scent. She wanted to remember her little older brother. She wanted to hear him joke around. She wanted him to be there.

But he was gone.

And with that she send everything down the drain.

 

She survived next two days laying in her bed and barely moving, she drank lots of water but didn't care to go to the bathroom that often. She could hold it.

She wanted to fight for bathroom access with Matt, she wanted dad to try to talk them out of it.

She wanted to sleep until they were back.

 

Next day, the day Coleen was back, she woke up feeling elated. She was light on her feet and her head was clear; she wanted to dance, she wanted to sing, she wanted to do something. She had a dream Matt was still alive. She had to prove it.

Sneaking into Galaxy Garrison wasn't as hard as one would think and when she found the right room digging through the information that interested her was a child's play. 

She knew it. There were no signs of crash. No pilot error. They were still there. Somewhere. Somehow. She needed to…

Iverson kicked her out.

 

But she came up with another idea merely a week later. 

 

She's been eating pretty regularly now. Skipped breakfast, small lunch and small dinner, digested for around 20-30 minutes before she got rid of it. The food made her slogginsh, her thoughts were slower.

As Pidge Gunderson could barely keep it up with the Garrison routine. Pidge was smart and quick thinking, aced their entry exam (she decided she would plant false record in her files only if she wouldn't get it right on her own) and put herself as a transfer student few semesters up compared to where she should be, to start up with additional privileges limited for junior and higher classes cadettes only. She had it covered

But the drills killed her. Pidge was pretty quick to notice that empty stomach made her brain work like a computer but the body was slowly shutting down. She would get dizzy after just a warm-up during PE classes, vision getting blurry and lungs refusing to take a breath. Runs were a death wish. But crunches felt deliciously.

It was no brainer that her body needed more energy. And energy meant calories. And yes, maybe she's been  _ accidentally  _ starving herself but it was nothing, really.

Pidge counted that her body needed thirteen hundred calories to just survive, nineteen hundred considering that she was now a part of piloting program. Twelve hundred it is. She didn’t need more than survival and answers. 

It still seemed too much. One thousand.

So she started counting.

And most of the days she wouldn't even count up to eight hundred.

It was fine

 

She never wanted anyone to find out, but then again: there was nothing to find out in the first place. 

But she stopped paying attention, somehow forgotten that now she had “friends” here at Garrison and that they might notice her unusual habits.

Lance would insist on their small three person team to have semi-regular pizza nights. Whenever she tried to decline he would point out how little did she eat for dinner at the cafeteria that evening.

“I know you did it to safe space for that Hawaiian miracle on the thin dough, Pidge,” he would say with a smug smile to which she didn’t know to respond.

Hunk was subtle. He would send her encouraging smiles over the table, make sure to invite her to join them for lunch and to always give her half of his apple. Sometimes when she struggled mid her meal he would lean in and ask if she’s feeling okay and that question and his worried looks guilt tripped her into finishing her plate. She wasn’t able to keep it down anyway but she ate.

They never talked about it but somehow it made dinner time less sad and more bearable. It made her try harder to not worry a person who somehow became her closest friend. At least until...

 

… until one day she wasn’t even trying. It’s been one year anniversary since the Kerberos mission had launched. And it hurt. It hurt so much that she didn’t even had it in herself to pretend to be fine. She wasn’t fine. Just thinking about food when her loved ones were gone for 365 days, five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes and counting, it made her feel nauseous. She didn’t deserve it. 

She skipped breakfast, she skipped lunch, she skipped dinner.

She just wanted for them to be back.

She wanted to be left alone. 

 

There was a knock on her door

“Hey, Pidge.” Hunk peeked his head into her room. “Can i come in? I wanted to talk.”

“Yeah, sure.” Pidge was laying spread eagle on one of two beds in the room. The second one was forever empty. She changed the quartering information in the system and left false note that her room was taken by two people so she could live alone. She liked having more room for her thoughts. She tiredly sat up and crossed her legs on the bed reaching for a blanket.

“I was in the kitchen and baked us some cookies. Peanut butter. I-- um-- I remember you saying you like them…?” There was a hint of question at the end.

“I do like them,” answered Pidge eyeing the container when Hunk crossed the room and sat next to her. “But i’m not really hungry at the moment so I’ll have to pass.”

“Oh, yeah, okay, sure.” He placed the container to his left and rested palms on his lap. “Sure.” Looking around the almost empty room he tried to get himself to ask about something that’s been bothering for quite some time now. With a sharp nod he decided to do it.

“Have you eaten anything today?” Pidge send him confused look but at the same time straightened her back alerted. “I know you overslept and made it late for the first class, so you obviously skipped the breakfast; you ran off when I asked you to join me and guys for lunch and i haven’t seen you at dinner.“ He might have not even been aware of that but he bended fingers of his left palm counting meals she missed.

Silence

“So , have you?” His expression was so honest. “You can tell me everything. I promise i won’t judge.”

“I--” she took a deep breath. “I don’t remember? I mean I’ve been running around like crazy today. I might have missed lunch being preoccupied with my quantum mechanics paper and returning books to the library, and i had to schedule for the sim next week, and call home and....” And she was running out of things to list that should have been occupying her mind to hide that she holed up in the old observatory with just a bottle of water. She should have prepared a story ahead but she didn't expect anyone to see through her  shenanigans.

“You don’t remember,” he repeated slowly. “I see you skip meals, you know? You barely touch things on your plate, and then- then you disappear after eating and it worries me.” Hunk shook his head. “Do think you are fat? Is that why you do that?

“No, that’s not--”

“Because you are not, Pidge. You are not.” He looked deep in her eyes grabbed her shoulders. 

“I know i’m not” she admitted tentatively. Hunk waited for her to say anything else but she didn’t have much to say.

It wasn’t like that. She wasn’t fat, she was pretty far from that, now even further than ever before. She didn’t want to lose weight. She wanted to…

She wanted to disappear. It was not about her weight, she just didn’t feel like she deserved to eat when dad and Matt were missing. They’ve been gone for a year; out of which seven months they’ve been presumed dead. It didn’t seem fair to continue on life while their situation was so uncertain. It didn’t seem fair to live while they might be dead. 

Each bite felt like she betrayed them. 

She tried. She tried to keep alive. She counted to keep her strengths but she got overwhelmed by the numbers so easily. She didn’t want to lose weight but if somewhere along the way she starved herself into nonexistence she wouldn’t be mad.

However it wasn't something's she could share with anyone. Not yet. Not ever. This was between her and Matt. She didn't need help or reassurances.

“Actually,” Pidge tried for her voice to sound cheerful, “hand me one of these cookies, will ya?.”

The conversation with Hunk was not over but maybe she could postpone or even cancel it..

 

That night Hunk stayed over after they decided to make an impromptu zombie movie marathon. Accompanied by peanut butter cookies.

Pidge lied in her bed, silently crying into her pillow, not wanting to wake her friend up. Desperately trying to keep the food down.

She wanted it out of her system, out, out, out, down the toilet bowl. But she couldn't do it to Hunk. He cared too much for her to betray his kindness that way.

And if she ignored his snoring she could pretend it was her brother breathing deeply, knocked out on the floor in her room, back home, after they watched horror movies ‘till dawn.

  
  
  


In space it was even harder. 

She gained hope. If what Shiro said was true, and she trusted it was, Matt and dad were still alive; lost in space but still alive and if only she focused and tried hard enough she could find them. So she tried, but her ‘tried’ became different than before.

On Earth she knew she would eat solid six or even seven hundred calories (she liked to round up the numbers). Here she had no idea.

Food goo was tricky, unknown calories, unknown fats, unknown fiber, unknown protein, unknown, unknown, unknown.  One day Pidge tried to ask Allura about it but she hasn't received a satisfying answer. A concept of calorie as a unit of energy was not familiar to either the Princess or to Coran. Alteans just knew that food was beneficial to them and how to nourish their bodies it without meaninglessness numbers behind if. They had some data on the carbohydrates, protein and fats. And they if we're to put these human categories onto the goo the proportions would be equal thirds, but that's it. And it wasn't really helpful without a knowledge of the whole. ‘Third part’ only meant that much without knowing the total number value. 

Princess shook her head and left Pidge staring at her half eaten bowl of lunch goo.  Everyone else has already left when she decided to ask her question. She hoped that knowing would make things easier for her, provide a sense of control.

Not knowing caused the opposite, leaving her mind open to form worst possible, number driven, scenarios.

She tried to count on her own. Basing her ideas on common sense and observations.

Referenced calorie intake for an adult person was 2k calories. Princess Allura would insist on them eating three to four bowls of food goo to keep their strength. It took Katie two days of touching upon it over and over again in her head before she decided to conclude that three bowls should be estimated equal to around eighteen hundred, meaning one bowl would be six hundred.

She could do one bowl per day.

And after some time it became her new rule and she created a new routine. Half bowl before training, half after. Lose yourself in coding sequences. Push you portions forth and back during team meals. Nobody liked the goo anyway. Try avoiding team meals altogether, always “too busy” with her computer. Ignore the heart ache and blackouts. improve a body temperature regulator in your suit. Make sure to train mainly alone so that no one can see you pass out. Easy...

 

Hunk knew something was wrong with Pidge, heck, he even knew  _ what  _ was wrong with them. He recognized some of their behaviours and manierism, noticed small things (remains of the big things they tried to hide) that could be easily missed by anyone else.

But he’s been there once, some time ago, and that made him more aware.

He had known that Pidge suffered from eating disorder for months now and he hated that each passing day they seemed more distant in their disordered thinking and habits.

He had tried to face them about the issue but he failed. That day, back at the Garrison, he saw his friend not ready to admit what was happening to them. Honestly, he should have pushed more; he should have pushed at all. Hunk blamed himself for being too soft to properly address the problem but he got Pidge to eat those cookies and at the moment that felt like enough. 

But it wasn’t enough.

Pidge had been back back to attending meals but each day taking less and less on their plate, leaving more and more untouched. 

Hunk started planting food in front of them. He would give them protein bars or pieces of dried fruits to snack on, always making sure he did that in between classes right before period started to make sure they wouldn’t purge the snack.

But in response Pidge has started actively avoiding him after classes, not wanting to engage in anything with him. They kept coming to the cafeteria for meals though. And they always made sure to sit in close proximity to Hunk for him to see them eat. But never next to him, never in front of him, not anymore. And it hurt, probably both of them. But Pidge was eating and he was still unsure how to handle the situation so that had to be enough.

For Hunk it was different. When he suffered with his eating disorder he was the one to realise that he was having a problem and the one who willingly shared with his family. He had great support system and amazing friends by his side.

And Pidge…. Pidge didn’t have their family here, heck, most of her loved ones were currently missing in the space, probably still captivated by Galra. She had them - Voltron team - but she hadn’t really opened up to them yet. Too focused on finding her family, always to busy to spend time with the team, only present for mandatory exercises and when approached by Allura for shutting themself off.

So he kept trying, when the five of them ended up in space, with the mission to save the universe bestowed upon them, he tried to talk to Pidge when it was just the two of them but he could never reach her. Still he promised to keep it a secret as long as her life was not in danger.

Not even so deep down, he knew it was wrong thing to do.

 

Pidge hated looking in the mirror. 

She’s got rid of full-length mirror Allura gave her after the revelation that she’s a girl. (She also gave her few dresses that had came handy for official dinner parties with new members of Voltron coalition.) Soon enough Pidge presented the mirror to Lance as he was probably the only one of Paladins who cared about his looks. He explained that routine kept him grounded. As long as he was able to do at least that one thing in the same way he used to it on Earth he would remain sane. He knew it wasn’t over.

As for the bathroom mirror she covered it with a towel. She could brush her teeth with her eyes closed, she didn’t need a taunting reflection to help her with that.

But there were still many reflective surfaces in the castle.  Portholes, venetian mirrors installed in some of Castle’s workshops, floors after being varnished by cleaning robots she constructed with Hunk, glass doors of the oven, spare  scaultrite lenses that could be found literally anywhere now, spoons, water in the sink, her computer screen when it automatically dimmed after she stared at it for two hours straight without typing anything.

Each reflection showed her the same image.

Swollen face and lithe body hidden under unreasonable amount of layers of clothing

These days her face was pale and more gray than rosy, with sunken cheeks, dry patches here and there and traces of acne around her mouth; her eyes were bloodshed with prominent black circles that even long hours of sleep weren’t able to eliminate. And she slept. A lot.

Under clothes she looked like a skeleton standing in a bio classroom in her middle school back on Earth. She could trace every bone of her body, gently pet protruding ribs, dig brittle fingernails into collarbones and circle her forearm with thumb and index finger. Every inch of her skin covered with lanugo, each vertebrae hurting when she lied down on a hard mattress at night.

She hated it.

But no one on the ship seemed to notice or care so it didn’t really matter. They knew she had some unhealthy habits, like staying up late and wasting countless hours on programming and these could explain what was going on on her face. She really tried hard so they wouldn’t know about the rest.

Only Hunk knew, but there was nothing left to be said between them. Their last conversation ended with Pidge yelling him off and slamming the door. He would just try to sneak more food onto her plate and bring some to her room after every meal she skipped due to “programming”.  She hasn’t touched her computer in weeks, whenever she tried to accomplish anything her thoughts would get tangled, codes blurring into one bright stain on the screen. She just couldn’t concentrate.

With her eyes closed Pidge traversed the Castleship. Slowly, step by step, step by step, in the steady rhythm of a headache bouncing behind her eyes. She was so tired. She probably needed to eat something, last few bowls of food goo Hunk get for her ended up flushed into nonexistence. She remembered drinking water but it easily could have been yesterday or the day before. She asked princess for a day off to rest through the migraine but it didn’t really help. 

She refused going to infirmary. Even after being hurt in battle she still refused. Wounds could heal on their own, she welcomed the pain, it made it easier to not think. And if they put her into a pod they would know everything. And she couldn’t allow that because knowing everything they would still not know why and they would try to stop her. And she couldn’t stop, if she stopped then Matt and dad....

Pidge violently shook her head to get rid of the thought. The reality around her moved to the right when she lost her step and swayed dangerously walking into dining room door frame.

“Pidge, everything’s okay?” asked Shiro appearing behind her and stabilising her with a strong arm on her bony shoulder. Just how long was he there?

“Yeah, i just tripped over my shoelace,” she lied easily sending him a tired smile.

They were the last ones to arrive. The entire team already on their places with just Hunk standing by the cart filling everyone’s plates with seasoned goo and passing them along. He froze when he saw Pidge, a small glob of goo splashed on the cart counter. She could see clear worry in his eyes. 

Despite their quarrels she promised herself not to worry him (too much) anymore.  But now he was worried, really concerned, a twitch around his mouth suggesting he’s ready to confront her again, now in front of everyone if she as much blinked in a wrong way.

When he placed before her a biggest portion of goo in her entire life she was ready to argue but immediately shut her mouth seeing Hunk’s stern expression. She could do it.

She knew plates capacity, she knew how much would Hank usually fill them to make a portion size approved by Altean standards, she knew the norm and she knew she needed half of it. Usually food would fill 85% of the plate, she needed half. But now he gave her a whole plate, 100% of plate filled with goo with a damn goo hill. So that was probably 115% of a plate. If she needed a half of regular portion then she had to eat 30 percentage points off the goo on plate. No that would leave a regular size portion. Wrong equation. If 85% was a whole, then half would be 42.5%, round it to 40. Yes, she needed to eat 40% of the bow…. No. she needed to eat 50% of regular portion with regular portion being 85% of full capacity. But now the portion was bigger so she had to eat…..

She furrowed her brows and rested head in both hands with elbows rested on both sides of the plate. She hovered her face over food hoping that if she stares long enough she would miraculously came up with an answer.

She jumped feeling a touch on her arm, clinging of the cutlery suddenly stopping as everyone looked at her. The touch came from Lance. Was he able to feel how skinny she became? His lips were moving.

“-eling well?” She finally tuned in to hear his voice and recognize words.

She looked up only to be met with six worried pair of eyes glancing at her over empty plates. Pidge gulped, somehow everyone except her has already finished their meal.

“I’m sorry. I spaced out for a few”

“For fifteen doboshes, Pidge.”

“I’m sorry. My head still hurts a bit.” She could still feel throbbing pain intensifying whenever she even blinked.

“Pidge, i think you should go to the medical bay with Coran.” Sighed Allura standing up from behind the table. “You’ve been absent for three quintants.” Her voice was calm but her eyes were showing a bit of annoyance. “You skipped two team training sessions and haven’t showed yourself during attack drill. If it was a real attack we would have lost the Lions, Pidge.”

“I can understand one of you having a bad day and wanting some time off, but we are at war here and giving you a one day of rest is the best we can do without risking it. And if after these three quintants you are still hurting maybe there is something we can do.”

“I-i am sorry everyone.” started Pidge.  “I thought it was just a migraine, but i guess it must have been something worse, maybe a space bug, because I swear I was asleep that entire time. I didn’t even realise it’s been that long. I would never leave you hanging like that without an explanation.”

She smiled hopefully at her friends.

“But i feel better now.”  They wouldn’t even had to put in her into a pod to see that she’s dying, it would be enough if she just took off her clothes for Coran to perform a full body scan.”I promise you. No need for medical. Let me just- just eat this real quick and we can go training. Okay?” Pidge shoot Allura with the most pleading look she could perform, the effect must have been dulled by her tired eyes because it took longer than usual for princess to give in.

“Fine,” Allura agreed relaxing her pose. “But if anything happens, no matter how small or insignificant I want you to find Coran. Shrio, please make sure that she does,” she added leaving the room.

Soon after that the rest also took their leave with only Shiro still standing behind her. It was uncomfortable to say at least. The silence was filled with Shiro’s even breath and her erratic heartbeat. She’s been avoiding eating with others for so long now and now the person who was the only link to her family hovered over her, watching her every move. At least she thought he did, as she didn’t actually wanted to look up to check. She released a breath she’s been holding.

“You can sit, y’know?” she asked grabbing a spoon and digging it into her goo.

“Sorry.” Shiro smiled sheepishly and sat next to her.

She needed to focus. With Shiro here she needed to eat an entire plate, entire 115% of the plate to be exact but it was fine, she could do that. Apparently she was out for three days, she slept for major part of these, when she left her room the doors were still sealed so no one entered her room when she was out, which mean no one brought her food. Which meant she hadn’t had any in four days. But she remembered throwing some away; must have been from before, stashed quickly when someone came to get her. 

So she hadn’t eaten in days, that’s good. Well, that’s actually terrible but at least she knew she could afford to eat now. Plus Shiro was here watching her, he knew she hasn't eaten in days, everyone knew, and if she wouldn’t eat now - they would know about it too.

She spooned some goo and brought it up to her mouth, chew, swallow, and again, With each spoonful it was easier, her body was demanding nutrition it’s been neglected for so long. Finishing her plate she felt a pangst of pity that she was done but she wouldn’t dare to actually get a helping. With a final sip of water she was good to go, drinking water always made things later easier. She wouldn’t need it but by now it was a habit.

She still had to stand up very slowly and carefully to prevent a blackout but it was fine. And Shiro was right there, smiling at her, saying that they missed her and assuring that she can always come and talk to him. He knew some of what she was going through.

She nodded and said nothing. 

 

When they arrived to the training deck the rest of Paladins were already sat in a semi-circle on the floor, head devices laing by their feet. Keith and Lance were too focused on their bickering to notice anyone entering the room but Hunk noticed. He send her the saddest look silently asking a question he used to regularly give her since Garrison days: are you okay? No, she was dying.

She did however welcome bonding exercises with a smile.  She would probably need a few days to gather some strength needed for regular close combat training. As for now she wouldn’t probably make it past first drone.

They joined the circle. It took her some squirming to find a position that wouldn’t hurt her tailbone too much and by the time she grew still Allura already gave them a cue to put on their head bands.

“In this exercise I want you to focus on your teammates. It has come to my attention that there are some… shortages in your relations. And to form Voltron we can have none of that, we need you to be completely open and honest with each other. We need you to be able to trust each other with your lives.” Allura walked in circle behind their backs with her hands crossed. Coran stood on the gallery watching from above. “You will focus on one of you at a time, the chosen person will stay quiet and the rest will send them a mental feedback. What are your thoughts on them, how do you see them, what are their strengths in your opinion, which aspects do they need to work harder on. As usual, mental connection happens in a real time, you don’t need to formulate a coherent sentences, images and feelings work too. Connection works in two ways so you will also be aware of how does the person reacts for your thoughts. We’ll start with Lance and go clockwise.”

The exercise lasted longer than one would expect and Pidge soon realised she’s having problem with it. They all received every thought going through the mental connection, every praise and approval for things happening recently and for successful actions during their late missions. And she has been there with them but she haven’t noticed any of that, she barely remembered the missions happening. Instead she focused on things that she knew from the very beginning. Lance was a goofy sharpshooter, Hunk was a home-feel provider, Keith was a great fighter, Shiro was a leader; nothing too deep but it managed to slide her through the exercise without anyone commenting on her lack of an actual input

 

When it was eventually her turn she tried to distance herself a bit. She would welcome their thoughts but had to keep all hers to herself; she was fine. Bombarded with kindness she received, recognition of her hacker and programming skills, a silent thank you for upgrading Red Lion’s defence systems what seemed like ages ago. She felt a mental hug from their leader and a few images of Shiro with her brother when the later told him stories about his genius little sister, Lance flooded her with appreciation for saving his life on multiple occasions also mentioning these few times back at the Garrison when she shared her notes and they all studied together to ace these tests. It felt nice.

But with all that she also received an image of herself as she sat there in front of them and it scared her. She didn’t want to see herself, and especially not through their eyes.  They saw more than she wished them to. 

Unconsciouslly she brought her knees to the chest to pull a barrier between herself and her team.

With that movement cuffs of her sweats rolled up revealing a hideously thin calves with no trace of fat and barely any muscle. Pidge could almost feel eyes scanning her entire physique finally taking notice of all the details they never paid any attention to. Thinner hair, sunken cheeks, dark bags under eyes, boney fingers.

She received a blur of Lance’s memory of his hand on her shoulder. He did notice.

All the love she felt through their mental connection was now replaced by worry.  Dozen of questions, none of which she wanted to hear or answer. She was fine, she was fine, she was fine, she was fine. She send the same message to all of her friends  knowing very well that no one will believe it. She was fine.

 

_ “I’m fine” _

_ “You are not.” _

_ “I am.” _

_ “You’re not” _

_ “Oh for Jesus ever-loving Christ, will you stop this?” Pidge gestured vaguely in boy’s direction. _

_ “Stop what?” _

 

She was fine.

 

_ “For the last time, Hunk, I. AM. FINE.” She exclaimed, accenting the last words by poking her finger into his chest trying to get the message to his stubbornly caring heart.  “I have it all under control.” _

_ “For how long? Pidge, i can see what you’re doing, okay? Nothing about it is fine. It’s only a matter of time before you die of heart failure or worse.  I know what it’s like, to feel that way. I just want to help you…” _

_ “I don’t need your help!” _

 

She was fine. She was fine.

 

_ He found Pidge lying unconscious in the hall. He took her to medical and stripped her down to underwear,  to move his friend to the healing pod, making sure for his eyes not linger on the bare flesh for too long. It was too painful; Pidge feeling like a sack of skin and bones under his touch, weighing around the same as his 10 year old niece.  _

_ The pod closed with a hiss and the screen monitoring the state of patient lit up in red. Pidge was not fine. Hunk set a ticker on his wrist for one varga, hoping that he will be able to get Pidge to her room before the team gets back from the mall trip. _

_ It would be the last time he kept the promise. _

 

She was fine.  She was fine. She was fine.

 

_ They were sitting on Hunk’s bed facing each other,one bowl of goo and silence between them. _

_ “Please eat.” _

_ Emotionless stare _

_ “I don’t know if i can keep it between us any longer. You passed out again, your readings are critical and….” _

_ “I’m fine” _

_ “You are dying” _

_ “I know, it’s fine.” _

 

“Stop it!” Pidge uncurled and jumped across the circle to snatch mind meld device of Hunk. “You have not fucking right-”

“What is-?” Alura was clearly confused at the sudden outburst.  Over the months she spend with Paladins such a thing has not yet happened during any of their training session. She’s seen humans distressed, bantering or openly arguing but never jumping at each other’s throats during bonding exercise. From where she stood she could see that Coran too left his post on the gallery to join them on the ground level.

“You promised! You promised!” Pidge shoved a head device in Hunk’s lap, for once hovering over all her teammates. “I wish i was never stuck here with you!”

She stormed out, waving on her feet when she almost walked into Coran.

Without a warning, food in her stomach became unbearingly heavy, stretching out her entire existence, she needed it out. Somehow. She knew how. She felt familiar itch down her throat, she could easily imagine a hard press of her fingers there, bringing relieve as it all left her system. If she was out to everyone there was no reason to keep anything in.

 

The team sat still with a different stages of shock painted on their faces, Pidge was still in the proximity that allowed headbands to keep their connection. They could feel her distress and hatred, all the angry confusion happening in their heads. And the solution.

Keith was the first to remove the device from his head. “What the quiznack was that.”

Lance coughed, pressing back of his hand against his mouth and followed his lead. “Dios mio, what was that!? I think i know but i still need to hear it from anyone else.”

“Hunk?”

Yellow Paladin hasn’t moved yet, clasping metal headband for his dear life.

“She will never forgive me.”

“What has just happened?” Allura tried to tried to understand the peculiar situation. She focused on Hunk. “What is it that Pidge wouldn’t forgive you?”

“I just,” he sighed heavily, “accidentally shared something that i promised i would never share with anyone. It wasn’t a good promise to keep but i still broke Pidge’s trust.” 

“You should have never keep that from us, Hunk.” Shiro rubbed his face and groaned. He kept the head device on to control the situation better and maybe actually make any sense out of it. “I don't know what were you thinking but this is too serious to keep it under covers. We need to know things like that to make a good team. What if something bad happened during one of our mission? We would never know what to do and how to react.”

“I know, i know, i screwed up.” Hunk shook his head and started to get up. “But can we please talk about it later? We need to find her.”

“I know where she is.” Shiro only now severed the mental connection and took the device off. “It won’t be pretty. And we will talk about it, Hunk, all of us. Whether you like it or not we can’t afford secrets like this, it’s only the five of us humans here, we need to have each others’ back.”

  
  


“With such low vitals I am surprised number five is still with us.” 

They found Pidge in the common bathroom, lying unconscious next to the toilet bowl, covered in vomit, spit and snot. Hunk was the one who picked her up, cradling the limp form; he wished he would have done that ages ago. All explanations were on hold until the entire team gathered in front of healing pod.

Hunk and Coran attended her on their own: Hunk as the only one knowing what to expect under shirts, sweaters and a jumper, Coran as their self proclaimed medical examiner aka the only person who knew how to actually use advanced alien equipment.

And there she was, wiped clean, hidden behind the glass, probed with IVs, still and pale as if she was already dead.

“She’s dehydrated” started Coran, “her blood pressure is low, heartbeat is inconsistent, the heart tissue itself is strained,” he rose an eyebrow, “potassium levels are low, iron is low, my, this girl is low on everything! She’s lost some of her bone density,  there is some damage to the kidneys and lining of the digestive system, the fat tissue percentage is...” Coran's voice grew silent. The man twirled on the heel to face the room. “How could this happen without me noticing? All of you report for post mission checkups.”

“She’s been avoiding them for quite some time already. None of us noticed. She didn’t want to get caught.”

“Was it some kind of human bug? Brought here from Earth, by any chance?”

“No… it is not that easy.”

“There is no bug. She did it to herself.” 

“That is absurd, why would Pidge do something like that?” Princess asked, glancing over Coran’s shoulder on the result screens and furrowed her eyebrows seeing that her royal advisor did not read a whole list displayed on it.

“We call that an eating disorder. Basically sometimes a person’s brain starts malfunctioning, can I say it like that?, and the ill person will believe that they can’t or don’t deserve to eat.”

“That is terrible!” Exclaimed Allura. “But what would cause Pidge’s brain malfunction like that, she’s a genius.”

“It can fall upon anyone really, it’s  a coping mechanism. When people are struck with stressful situations they are not always able to deal with what is causing it, so they try other things to manage these emotions. It can take many forms, healthy or not, you can go for a walk or exercise until you pass out, you can drink some tea and listen to music or get wasted.”

“I’m not sure if understand that last part correctly, but would Hunk’s baking also be some sort of coping mechanism?” Coran fiddled with his mustache; humans proved themselves to be more complex everytime they had a conversation about their culture and practices. 

“Yeah, I do tend to do that when I’m anxious. I also stress eat, sometimes, I try not to but sometimes you just can’t control it. These become habits, a fixed response, an addiction even, you  can start to think that nothing else can help.”

“So what you are saying is that you can either stress eat and stress starve? And that it is common for your species?”

“Well, not common as in normal, these behaviours are categorised as disorders but yes, they happen.”

“Is there anything we can do when she wakes up?”

“I don’t know, first we will have to talk to her.”

“How long should she stay in the pod?”

“In her current state? I'd say three movements, at least. Maybe four. It's hard to tell at this moment really.”

  
  


Being in the healing pod reminded a dreamless sleep. You were out and then when you opened your eyes the next second it could be few vargas or quintants later. She remembered the feeling well enough, the feeling of the lost time, of suspension in the darkness that lasted forever and not at all. Thoughtless, emotionless skip of time, ending with a low hiss of the chamber and overwhelming return of the senses.

But this this time was different. There were moment of consciousness when she would open her eyes and through a thick fog surrounding her she could see people on the other side of the glass. The faces changed, with each blink there was someone else watching her. But she was never alone.

And in those short episodes of consciousness she remembered. They knew. Hunk told them, he  _ showed  _ them. She hated him.

But maybe it was a good thing. Maybe she will not have to hide anymore. And if she lets go of the smoke and mirrors she might finally be able to focus on finding her family.

Dad.

Matt.

She did it for them. To keep them safe. Wherever they were.

She wished to remain unconscious, she hated hating Hunk

  
  


Waking up is never a pleasant experience.

Getting out of healing pod was like waking up from a nap - leaving you confused and unfocused. 

Everything was loud. Uncoordinated shifting of six people in the room seemed amplified by the previous lack of stimuli.

Pidge tried to move but instead she stumbled into a pair of arms waiting to catch her. Looking up she half-expected to see Lance - the last face she saw when she had opened her eyes - but instead she was met with soft grey eyes of their leader.

“I'm-.” Her voice was small and dry.

“Shhhh, we will talk later. For now let's get you some normal clothes and something to drink.”

Normal clothes… oh, right, she was wearing one of the white suits Coran insisted was necessary before entering the healing pod despite doing absolutely nothing at all to the healing process. But she liked them, they were warm and comfortable.

Few feets back the team watched Pidge being caught by Shiro before she managed to smash her head on the concrete floor. Despite being connected to numerous IVs during her stay in the pod she was still weaker than she should be.

Usually any of them would spend in a pod no more than a few vargas at a time to heal their battle wounds; Altean technology was created to be fast and effective. But in this case the process had to be slower and more meticulous to deal with internal damage. And while providing an acceleration to natural processes and sustaining the body balance the pod did not provide a nutrition on its own, IVs could also do only as much.

She wasn't magically cured, she was merely patched where she's worn herself out. The white suit hugging tightly every imperfection of her body made it clear to everyone in the room. 

Gathering in the lounge room was awkward to say at least. Shiro and Coran got Pidge to change her clothes and then brought her to the room and bundled her with blankets in the centre of the couch. The rest of the team followed the lead and scattered themselves on available seats but all they did was to exchange hesitant looks, none of them knowing how should this conversation go. 

The tension was eased by Coran approaching the Green Paladin with some herbal tea.

“There, my little one, this should improve your metabolic processes and provide you with some sugars.”

“You should check the tightness of the seal in my pod, I woke up a few times.” Pidge accepted the cup and blew over the rim before setting it aside without taking a sip. “Either there is a breach in a juncture or there is a glitch in the support system. If you want I can run a quick test to check the-”

“Don’t try to change the subject!” interrupted Lance with a huff.

“What subject, Lance? There is no subject yet.”

“Everyone knows what the subject is, Keith.”

“Be quiet, two of you,” hushed them Allura from where she stood by the wall. She wasn’t sure if it was her place to engage into the situation, sometimes she still wondered if she was their commander or a friend. But this needed to be settled either way and to be honest - she wanted to be a part of it. She wanted to be their friend. “You could have died, Pidge. You kept a secret from all of us and it almost killed you.”

“Hunk talked to us about your…..” Shiro hesitated. “I won't say we understand what is happening and why you kept it from us but we are willing to listen and help you.”

“I'm fine. I don't need your help.”

Pidge knew that if she looked up she would be met with guilt, pity and care in their eyes. If only they looked at her hard, with anger and reproach, it would be so much easier to attack them, to yell and scream and fight her way out. But they didn't deserve it so she swallowed down a cry raising in her chest and locked her gaze down on her knees.

“I told them.” She heard Hunk’s voice on her right. “Everything I know. We are not mad if that’s what you are worried about.” She felt the couch dipping next to her… “We love you.” … and a set of arms wrapping tightly around her.  Without any hesitation she leaned into the hug. “We are there for you. “ Big hand gently stroking her shoulder through the blankets.

Maybe she could tell them. The words were already slowly forming in her head; she thought about it a lot during some sleepless nights she used to suffer when they first got into space. Part of her wanted help long time ago but the voice in her head kept repeating that everything is fine until it became her ultimate truth and she stopped wanting help, stopped believing she needed it. 

She just missed her family and it was easier that way - when physical emptiness would balance the hole in her heart, and growling stomach would drown the echoes of past conversations. Physical pain would dull the emotional aching. And if she died it would all stop.

And when she learned that they survived… the hole in her heart was still present, only now more irritated by the news and infected by helplessness she felt with each passing day. Life was hurting more than ever when she knew she should be happy. Her family was so close but yet she was so far. But they lived. As she starved herself they somehow survived and she couldn’t ruin it. 

Each meal she forced down her throat she could see Matt slowly dying in Galra prison, every bit of food she digested meant her dad was getting weaker in his imprisonment. To keep them safe she had to stay that way. Eventually they would find and free them but in the meantime that slow death was the only way she knew for her family to live.

Now for the first time in a really long time there was no physical pain to hide the emotional one.

Pidge touched her side and felt for the ribs that were now covered by a thin layer of fat tissue. She rummaged a hand over her physique trying her best to be sneaky and not to toss of the blankets hiding her from everyone. Collar bones, chest bones, knobs of her shoulders, hip bones, all bones, they were still present but less sickening under the touch. Concave of the stomach…

Pidge wanted to fold in half, force her upper half in Hunk’s lap and cry out everything laying heavily on her chest. Maybe if she told them it would become easier, sharing the pain. But they were paladins of Voltron, the universe’s last and only hope to restore the balance and bring peace, personal dramas should never affect the main goal. She knew she must have been already wearing Allura’s patience thin by wasting their time and resources on finding Matt and dad. They might have said it is okay but Pidge has also said she’s fine on multiple occasions. 

And she would do the same thing now, sitting straight with a head held high, brushing the reassuring touches off and pulling on the blanket to let if fall back on the couch. She would continue doing the same thing over and over again. They bought her more time but until she found her family she would do the only thing she knew kept them alive.

Maybe one day she could tell them. But not today.

“I am fine.”

It was clear by everyone’s looks that the conversation wasn’t over, they wouldn’t drop it, they would get back to it until they get the truth they could help with. Pidge didn’t need help. She wasn’t fine but she would lie over and over again, day after day, until her family was found and freed and then… and then maybe she would _actually_ be fine.

 

_ end _

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> if you are suffering from any kind of menal illness- please seek help and tell someone about your struggles


End file.
